“My boss is toxic and it’s affecting everything: my sleep, my confidence, my work.”
I hear some version of this often. In my work with clients on workplace stressors, one question keeps coming up: how do you actually deal with a toxic boss?
When they describe what they’re going through, I hear my own story: the screaming over mistakes, the expectation to stay well past working hours, the constant micromanaging and belittling.
I’ve had bosses who would text me at midnight and expect an immediate reply. I had one who checked in every few hours for updates and belittled me when my work wasn’t “good enough.” For two years, I did a manager’s job while being paid as a senior executive. I was working two levels above my pay grade, uncompensated.
You don’t come out of corporate life unscathed. These are the “corporate traumas” many of us still carry.
Why your boss matters more than you think
Research shows that managers affect employee mental health (69%) more than doctors (51%) or therapists (41%), and just as much as a spouse or partner.
Your boss isn’t just affecting your work performance. They’re shaping how you feel about your life.
How toxic bosses are made
Toxic bosses have one thing in common more than anything else: a lack of self-awareness.
I once heard in a leadership workshop that “leadership is self-awareness work.” It stuck with me, because the longer I work in this space, the more I see how true it is.
Self-awareness is the ability to recognise your own thoughts and emotions and how they shape your behaviour. People with high self-awareness stay aware of what’s going on inside them and regulate it before it spills into their interactions with others.
Toxic bosses can’t do this. They aren’t able to understand, feel, or monitor what’s happening inside them. So instead of processing it, they project it outward, and it shows up in how they treat people.
That’s where toxic behaviour starts. They show anger in inappropriate ways. Their expectations don’t match reality. They don’t respect their team’s time, effort, or energy.
In short, they forget what it’s like to be human and to feel empathy for others.
What you can do, short of quitting
Communicate honestly. Tell them how their behaviour is affecting you. Sometimes they genuinely don’t realise the impact they’re having.
But be realistic. Some toxic bosses will never believe they’re wrong, and pointing out their weaknesses may only make things worse.
Set boundaries. Be clear about when you’re available. Tell them you need to leave at a certain time, whether it’s for family, for your health, or for any other reason. Then actually leave. Don’t respond after hours unless it’s truly urgent. Most of the time, it can wait.
Escalate if it becomes unbearable. Talk to trusted colleagues quietly, then take it to HR or another senior leader. This is where HR’s role matters most. One toxic boss can set off a chain of resignations, and HR needs to step in directly, whether through conversations, coaching, or other action.
What my toxic bosses taught me
Toxic bosses do serve one useful purpose: they show you exactly what not to become as a leader.
When I started leading my own team, I made some deliberate choices.
I respect boundaries. The midnight messages stopped with me. I don’t message my team during off-hours unless it’s a genuine emergency. Their time is theirs.
I trust my team. I refused to become the boss who checks in every few hours. I trust my people to deliver. My job is to support them, not to watch over them.
I fight for my people. I could have treated my two uncompensated years as normal and expected the same of others. Instead, I fight hard for every promotion, every raise, and every bit of recognition my team deserves.
The cycle breaks with us
Toxic leadership thrives in silence. Once you name it, talk about it, and act on it, things start to change.
And if you’ve had a toxic boss, don’t become one. Choose to lead the way you needed to be led. That’s how we create mentally healthy workplaces.
Think back to the best leader you’ve worked with. How much of what made them good came down to self-awareness?
